I Hate Myself

(Something I wrote and posted on facebook notes. Just thought of reproducing it on the blog.)

I think i hate myself. Well, sometimes i seriously do. I don’t think i look anything attractive so i don’t really do much to help upgrade myself in the looks department. I think i don’t.

I was out with my sister and we were talking about what we would do if we somehow got rich. She said she would buy stuff. Buy a laptop or gadgets. I asked whether she thought about owning a big mansion, but she shrugged that off. I echoed her answer to that by agreeing. She apparently knew what i would buy though. A stack of books. And i added that I’d probably get a Mac for recording music. She also wants a Mac as well. Anyway everyone wants a Mac.

I told her that I don’t think i would buy clothes though. She agreed, she knows her brother. I’m not a clothes person. I think I haven’t bought anything new this year. No new clothes. I’m content with the old ones. I seriously think that buying clothes is a waste of money. So i guess that makes me not liking myself enough not to do anything about how i look in terms of fashion.

But then again, i take time to look in the mirror once in a while, as sheepishly as that sounds. Make sure that my hair looks right. Make sure that at least it looks right. I try to figure out ways to eliminate moles to no avail. But take comfort that Cindy Crawford looks good with a mole. Well she only has to deal with one though.

I also listen to what my stomach is saying from time to time. There was a period of time where i tried to starve myself on occasions but since i said ‘on periods of times’ i meant it. So when i’m hungry i eat. As simple as that.

Which makes me wonder sometimes why i hate myself and make that as a serious intuitive element in my thinking on occasions. I want to believe that but in reality I guess i don’t really hate myself with a vengeance. I want to but seriously i don’t really.

I guess it has something to do with the mechanism where we have this dissatisfaction feeling most of the time with life, what we have achieved or mostly what we have not archived. But the ‘hate myself’ part comes out stronger as usual. Because we seem to be focusing on a minor reality that we constantly lock ourselves in. Nothing is going right with me so maybe im a loser and so that is a valid reason to hate myself because others are doing fine and here i am, a dumbass, making nothing, achieving nothing. I guess, if we dig that hole deep enough we stay there. And if we continue to dig, we avoid the reality that we don’t really hate ourselves that much. It is a serious lie really.

So, there are occasions where i think that i do have serious hates with myself but it is a small reality that that make me up to be a person. I have some good spots and I do take care of this body from time to time. Come to think of it, I don’t really think i hate myself. I hate the state im in. I guess we forget that. Sure, the person has some contribution to the state he/she is in but in reality there is a way out.

I’ve not discovered that in it’s entirety but for now, I guess i hate myself a little less thinking about hating myself.

2010
02/09
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Pretty Soon…

Pretty soon the infatuation will fly away like a dove, unannounced. Pretty soon everything that was blessed becomes more like stale bread. Pretty soon what once was loved becomes maggots on your table being served. Pretty soon you gain back your vision because all this while you’ve been lost in transmission. Pretty soon the complexities of life would be sitting beside you and then you’ll know life is messy.

Life is a paradoxical maze. Nothing is actually arranged nicely or neat like your closet or cupboard. And with that we have to always be ready to face reality and not comprehend things based on our own assumptions. Well, I’ve weathered some storms and managed to survive but I’m still learning and seeking ways in how life works and how faith works and how believing in God works in this time capsule we call earth.

But I guess some people think they are smart and the little they know they make known on their statuses. “Wow!” i say to myself. But really I’m not impressed. I hear people blubber about God and faith like they have achieved some sort of nirvana or something. But really it’s just some random thing. Some random insight. I guess I don’t like it when someone posts stuff like that. It’s really disheartening and no wonder people think Christians are somewhat stupid. I just sigh.

I’m not exempted from all this though. But now I try not to be too preachy. Preachy in a bad tone. So in a way pretty soon what you thought about what you knew would at a juncture come to a predictable halt. One day you would find yourself sitting and wondering, “God I don’t understand you. You’re so not random.” I guess when this happens I hope it’s to reevaluate and not to lose faith. Well I just hope pretty soon you’ll experience the paradox and that would make you think.

2010
02/09
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Thoughts in the Bus

I bought a book (again). It was not cheap. Cost me about RM 75.90. So now I’m supposed to watch my spending and by that I mean it’s going to be less eating from this week onwards.

The book I bought is called “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. I’ve been wanting to read her works ever since I read Donald Miller’s “Blue Like Jazz.” This book by her is on writing and I guess being someone who loves writing and has aspirations on being a good writer, it was simply hard to pass. I was actually looking for “Catcher in the Wry” by J. A. Salinger whom passed away recently. Donald Miller talks about this in his blog which brought my attention to his book. But in the process of looking for it somehow I could not find it. I could have asked for assistance but I didn’t. I had a policy of, if I did not find the book I was searching for I was not meant to buy it. Well thats unless I really wanted to buy a book, i’d do all I can to find it.

In the bus on the way home, I read the introduction which was pretty long for an introduction (to me) but I think it was simply sublime. I forgot I was in the bus when I finally finished the introduction part. Lamott talked about her introduction into writing and that was nicely brought about. I like to ready origins of how things began. Origins of beginnings sheds light to how dots connected and made sense.

I like the fact that Lamott did not put writing on a mystical platform. That it was something that only brilliant minds were able to do. Or it was for the special people. Well, I do believe there are people who did well in writing but it was a skill to be worked upon. Like footballers need the habitual discipline of practice and training, writers and those who wanted to be good were not exempt from working on their craft.

Lamott didn’t start with an instant hit. Her beginnings were some sort of revelation that she was indeed gifted but the process to where she is now took time, failures and hard work to achieve. She did not glamorize the art and told about how depressing it was sometimes. But the joy and the need to just write should be the constant thing that keeps writers going. Not the intent for stardom and being published and making lots of money.

That is good in a way. Writing is hard and it’s a joy and sometimes if one is lucky you get known and become famous. But not all writers who get published made it. Made money out of their craft. I’m mulling at this moment about pursuing writing full time but I’m clueless about the possibility. Is it possible to be a writer and to make a living out of writing living in Malaysia? Is the pursuit worth the sacrifice needed to attain a level of prestige if ever it was to be attained?

Presently though, I’m studying theology and like it. Well liking is an understatement, I practically love it. Next to that I love books and writing and music. But if I was honest with myself I’m doubtful if getting into ministry would be where I’m supposed to be. By that i mean fulltime ministry. Like being a pastor for that matter. At best I like to consider myself the reluctant minister. Not that I have anything against that. It’s not that I have lost faith just, i’m thinking more of vocation. Some are called to fulltime ministry and some are not. I don’t see my gift of writing as being turning into anything great of life changing or that people would be buying stuff I write. I’m far from that.

What I do have now is I like writing. And if that would lead to something than that would be great. And I made a prayer just now to God. It went like this;

“God I’d like to be a writer.”

A simple prayer. A hopeful petition. But “thy will be done” kind of thing.

2010
02/07
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If God Had a Facebook Profile

I wonder if God really had a facebook profile page…

What would he put on personal information? He wouldn’d be able to fill most of what is put up there.

Gender: God has no gender and I probably think that he would leave this blank.

Current location: This would probably be tricky. For God inhabits everything. He is God. I’m not trying to explain this in a pantheistic way that is. I should make that clear. But if there was a designated place it would be heaven.

Hometown, home neighborhood: This would be blank as well. See the description above.

Family members: Does God have any family affiliation? I guess not. Anyway this would be blank as well. Many do not add this information so to speak.

Relationship status: There are seven types of statuses to choose from here; single, in a relationship, engaged, married, it’s complicated, it’s complicated and widowed. Not fits the description for God to choose from. I think if God were to fill this he would put there in a relationship or married (explained in a form of commitment) to human beings. I’m not in the mold of those who think God is an absent parent or landlord.

Interest in: I think both men and women would be ticked here.

Looking for: None really fits the bill again in this department. God longs for friendship I have no doubts in that. Enoch, Abraham and Moses just to name a few experienced that. God is also into relationships I would figure. Israel fit the bill here. But I guess God would put here that he is seeking for “committed people” who want to know him and follow his will. The closest ones that would be chosen would be friendship and a relationship.

Political views: This one is tricky. But I think God is not on anyones political view here. He is neither democrat or republican. In Malaysian terms would be the Government and opposition. If God were to take sides that would create havoc. People would be happy to justify their political standing based on their parties. I think he would probably put there “Concerned with the affairs of the world.”

Religion: Does God have a religion? I guess it is best we leave this one.

But after musing on if God was on facebook I doubt we would believe it was God. We would think that it would have been someone who was just fooling around taking on his alleged identity and playing jokes on people.

I say this because when God came and was incarnated as a man in the flesh on planet earth to walk, sit, dine, talk, laugh and do what humans do on earth people did not even notice. God was very well disguised or so it seemed. Most discarded the alleged ‘evidence’ but some believed. And so as John said in his epistle

1 John 1:1-3

1That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. 2The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us.3We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 4We write this to make our joy complete.

2010
02/07
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Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

What I learned

1. Failure is not final: Connecting the dots

I was in the bus awhile ago. The road was pretty jammed with cars. It’s Friday and it is supposed to be that way on Friday. Everyone is glad on Friday. Hence the acronym TGIF. Well, in the bus I was reading Paulo Coelho’s book and felt the stories captivating me. I felt the breeze of peace enrapturing me. But soon after I was in my reflective mode thinking about my future. I’m 30 and still pursuing something people might think as meaningless. What is theological knowledge going to do to help people live right? I haven’t made money yet and I’m cluttered with financial problems. All this thought came up feeling at peace.

I was thinking also about my previous job experience and how through that experience it made me taste a bitter experience about what ministry can do to harm the soul in a person. I’m glad I’m still breathing now.

But in the midst of thinking about failure, my life is still being lived and it’s not the end yet and so failure is not the final hurdle yet. It’s still a ride. Well listening to Steve Jobs telling about how connecting the dots is only possible looking back makes sense now. I can’t connect the dots now, on what has happened but maybe someday they will make sense. So in a way, things are still a mystery but it’s not the end.

2. Failure is Not Final: Love and Loss

I have a story that somehow mimics that as well. I love what I am doing back then and so too now but that was challenged when a few “good men” thought I was poisoning the minds of people and got me kicked out of something I love to do. Stories were spread and from what I know they painted a bad picture of who I am.

Living through that was close to the description of hell. Well maybe not that close but I was really gutted. I questioned the thought of continuing on in what I loved to do. Of ministry and of theological studies and of the church. Here I was thinking it would be practically hard to get up and going after this. I had no church support and a bad name to add to the list. And I had no money.

But as it turns out someone was willing to help in finances and I’m in seminary because of someones generosity. It still is a journey into the wilderness after this but as it is, God’s grace has been there and the love of what I do and will eventually do in the future will fall into place. I’m still clueless as to what I will do but I have ‘now’ to worry about then. The future will come with its own worries. What I know is I still love what I love doing no even after the trauma of being labeled rebellious.

With those two points again…I’m learning that failure is not final.

And Steve Jobs says at the end of his speech with a quote:

“Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.”

2010
02/06
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What Scars Convey

Scars are sometimes treated as permanent reminders of what happened. Most contain in them horrors, well those are for really bad scars. Those sustained from coming alive after some ferocious wild beast attacks. I don’t have experiences like that but I’ve seen on television that some have survived shark attracts. They have amazing stories. The scars are reminders of that sort of experience.

Some we get from doing stupid stuff like thinking we were some sort of experienced stunt man and end up wounding some part of the body. I got some stupid scars on my fingers opening beer bottles with a lighter, which show that I’m still an armature. My friends would laugh.

Some scars we simply get unavoidably like those from surgeries. I had a minor one in 2004. I had a hernia operation and I probably got a few stitches from that painful experience. I guess it was due to being under the knife operated by newbie’s that contributed to that. It took me like a month to fully recover. I was limping like an old man.

Well there are some scars which come with the intention of getting one. It is something that we have mulled in our thoughts for sometimes. We have even envisioned the severity of its size. Some want theirs big, some opt for smaller ones. Some want theirs with color, some just want them black. The come in different shapes and sized. Some have meanings behind theirs some simply like the design, or some just like having to add another scar to their already growing addition of scars.

I got mine in 2008. I thought about it, the design and all. I’ve even envisioned how it would look. It has deep embedded meanings I’ve made that captures what the symbol means. Intentional scars to me are beautiful. I’m planning to get another one on my right arm. This time a black bird. That has a meaning on its own.

2010
02/05
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How Do You Find Freedom in Expression?

Sometimes I wish words flow smoothly when I talk and respond to questions. Especially during lectures when I’m asked to give my opinion on certain issues. Sometimes I give a manageable sentence that is OK and sometimes I just appear like i’m really dumb. I think most of the time I stutter. And I really don’t like when that happens.

I guess at the present moment my mind does not work so much in real time, without the thoughtful intention of sitting down and thinking how to create meaningful sentences on my computer or the simple task of writing. I think I express myself more through writing. It gives me an outlet that is a platform of liberation. But sometimes I wish it were as simple as talking sometimes.

Today I practically gave a lame answer to my lecturer on explaining the term “lay down my life” in a way of explaining the pastor. I could have given better reflections on the term but, with the whole class looking on and my lecturer anticipating the answer I just blurted out what came to mind. Well nothing obscene really but just a dumb answer. I hesitate to put it down here out of fear that you might laugh as well.

But, as I find different ways to combat this, do you struggle also to express yourself?

2010
02/05
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The World Still Has Moral Values

I think  the world and its ways are perverted. Which is true. I personally have no arguments with that. But in a way I guess we as Christians have put too much direction to that idea until all we think of the world and its ways are only bad. Some even make statements that the world is only bent on immoral leanings.

With recent knowledge of sex exploits of famous leading sports men in the form of Tiger Woods and the recent one to surface, John Terry’s affair coming to light it is amusing to see that the loose morals of the world not really looking loose. The way that the media projects them, the way the crowds react to the sports men, the way that people are talking about the issue on the net and other media platforms shows that morals are still in, in a sense.

Well although we might argue that somehow it projects a distorted moral bent, but at least we can say that the issue with moral values are still pretty much something that people still think of as important, even though it acts like it is not.

2010
02/05
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Stories Trapped Waiting to be Lived

Sometimes there is a gusto of inspiration coming from stories of people who have overcome trying obstacles and somehow made it through. Amazing stories and it makes life livable knowing obstacles are just bumpy hindrances. Not mountains but just bumps which cars have to slow down and apply low gears to get over them.

But the feeling reside when we have put the thing we read down. It seems at times that inspiration gets stuck in the stories we read. Energy flows whenever we are enraptured and engaged in them but become nothing but faded memories when we try to apply things we read to the mundane life we live.

I feel that way most of the time. It’s totally engaging being lost in the story, may it be real or fiction but reality sucks whenever we submerge from the depth of it. There is a hard time adjusting from stories of hope that we read on paper to be mediated into real life.

Well, it’s something I notice of myself sometimes and maybe you do too. I’m just assuming here that is.

My guess is maybe we are simply tired to imagine the invisible middle, the part of life stories that connect the present and the intended end. I think the living the middle part of life’s stories are the crucial beginnings that would eventually lead somewhere.

For stories in books, written on paper are simply moderated scenes and events compiled to make a coherent flow. Simply highlights that is minus the boring moments that simply are a bore really. Maybe sometimes people think too much that the story is the whole thing but it is not. Reality requires us to live it first before we could actually extract something out of it.

With that though, sometimes its the mundane realities that make us lazy to act and live meaningful lives. We think life should be 24 hours filled with exiting rides. Just like 24 to be exact. Like in a day, in 24 hours it could be a non stop ride of suspense and impact. For a show it is believable but to think in terms of a show also, it is unrealistic based on other shows. Because for me if stuff like that happened there won’t be enough breathing space to breath air.

Anyways these thoughts are just cluttered stuff that have no systematic rhythm whatsoever to those who read them but I guess for me they are meaningful and that’s why I’m at least thinking about them. Too bad I couldn’t weave them into a coherent whole.

2010
02/03
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How Heavy Metal Can Teach us Devotion

I spent a few hours in the library today reading a required text on synoptic gospels. It’s an interesting subject and I don’t mind the technical terms. It’s part of learning and I have to love them though they make my brain spin sometimes.

Moving away from the subject of theology I remember a DVD I watched during the semester break last year. Something I bought ages ago but I only managed to sit down and watch it last year. It was a documentary on heavy metal music. It’s called Metal: A HeadBanger’s Journey . You could read more about it here as well.

It depicts the journey of Sam Dunn a metal head himself and also an anthropologist doing an anthropological study on heavy metal culture as a whole. He seeks to unravel the wanton arguments that people have somehow stereotypically associated with heavy metal music. In general many would attest to the demonic bent direction of heavy metal music.

Anyways for me I enjoyed the DVD and how Dunn (not the theologian Dunn) traces the roots of metal. In his opinion though it was Black Sabbath who he terms as the fathers of heavy metal. And this genre eventually has many other sub-genres. Other metal acts which are familiar to us would be Metallica, Megadeath, Slayer, Lamb of God, Cradle of Filth and others.

What amazes me was  that Heavy Metal in itself had a sense of stance that projected a strong resemblance to religion and a sense of commitment someone makes towards what he or she believes.

1. Those who were heaped in the metal crowds were considered outcasts in society of youths. These were people who were different from others and they had a taste of music not of the mainstream kind but those that were underground. Regardless of the fact that they were different they prided themselves in it with a “who care what you think” attitude.

2. There was a sense of belonging to the crowd of people who gathered in metals concerts and this sense of belonging came from the way they dressed or looked and a common passion for metal which unified them.

3. They were devotees to their movement or music and those who were metal heads were somewhat devotees for life. Unlike the pop scenes where people hopped from one band to another based on popularity, metal heads were devoted to their genre and bands they were into.

Well they may be more but I’m just trying to remember what I could still grasp at the moment. I think that may be enough. Another thing that I was aware of was that the American scene of metal, those which the mainstream crowd may be familiar with are actually mild forms of metal. Mild in a sense that most carry messages without really following the inherent meaning embedded in them. Not that I am wanting them to do so that is.

The brand of metal that was deathly serious in their music and message they carried were those based in Europe, and particularly the one they showed in the documentary in Norway. There were actual incident where metal acts actually went and burned churches. In an interview made by Dunn with one of the metal acts there, the singer was unrepentant of the acts of those bands that went ahead and burned churches. It was the  right thing to do. And that Lucifer was the one they served. Watching that part was eerie to say the least.

But overall the documentary was good and there were many positives to be taken from it. Although I would not say that I would argue in depth about the good of metal music and the good things about the messages that they portrayed, I find little help in the image they try to convey. But I’m not so much a non supporter of metal as well. I guess you could say I’m someone in the middle.

It’s funny how people heap blame on metal because the messages are demonic when pop singers make sexual suggestive lyrics on mainstream radio. Isn’t sexual liberation a form of demonic stance as well? So people have got to know how they carry their arguments. Not just going around and thinking people are dumb cows.

Anyway, as for metal and their community, there is a valuable lesson which can be gleaned from them. They revel in their outcast nature of being different and believe their form of devotion regardless of what others hurl at them. Their belief is their badge. Well, maybe we could learn something from that and be proud of being different for a change since we believe in something worth more than just Metal.

2010
02/03
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