This thing about forgetting

Can we forget?

If the thing we want to forget is the very thing that stabs

Deep down, inflicting wounds?

If the very thing inhales the very life of you

And robs you of your dreams?

If the very thing blurs vision and whatever that was of importance

To ashes? Worthless, lifeless, and soon carried off into the wind?

Never to return to its former form because

You’re burying the remains of what was

Just not that deep but you’ve put enough soil

To keep it under. Just enough or so it seems.

I don’t think we’re meant to forget because memories

They come back,

They get jolted into the present because something in the moment

Conjures the past.

We don’t forget because we’re human and how much we do or want to suppress

Won’t erase the past.

They stand and will always stand as that part of your story

That particular part.

We don’t forget because we’re made up that way,

Wired that way.

If we can’t forget what should we do with those parts that spell

PAIN ?

Like all wounds, like how we’re made up, it will heal.

We dour it with medication,

We bandage,

And with time, we attend to it when need be.

From time to time we open the bandage and see,

And repeat the process of attention

Until one day our attention shifts from feeling pain to just reminders.

Eventually it heals and no more attention is needed.

Wounds that are deep and when healed leaves a scar.

A scars only means that there was a time when it was painful but now there is none of that available.

We remember that phase when it was so, just minus the sharp searing feeling.

We don’t forget

We just remember rightly

That which was at one point unbearable

Has no effect in us moving forward.

Value

It is not victory

Nor escalating success

That causes the world to remember.

They will remember depth of soul

Strength of courage amidst impending defeat

Will, that is unwavering even when shackled, when imprisoned- still stands.

The narrative of the real remembers what the world thinks of as weak

Weakness is only spoken for in the present

But what was deemed weakness is lifted as legend

We remember not victory

But bravery, a person of integrity

A person’s value of humanity.

Happy ever after

Our ideas of happy ever after can’t breath life without the in betweens- the sufferings, the pain, the indifferences, the hurt, the state of dissolution. Remember that stories are edited progress that are presentable. Without the mess, we wont have a message. Reality makes us realise the middle and essential to make the story. Live with that tension because its what makes happy ever after realistic.

If it was easy

A child takes time to learn

Like breathing coming out from the womb, like turning over, like crawling, like walking, like forming sentences so they can begin speaking, conversing.

They take time to learn standing, to turn it to taking steps for walking and running and jumping.

We dont need to force them. We guide them. We give them time and even of they stumble we dont say, “you’ve failed, you’re never going to walk or whatever.”

It takes time and effort.

Like learning to trust again, to believe again, to see hope to be happy to have joy after betrayal.

Today i fail. So what?!

People may judge the process and tell that i’m a quitter. So what?!

Have they been in my shoes to peer inside my soul and see all the hurt that im facing?

To know that im absent because i cant stand people asking where ive been and why it looks like im not responsible.

Im trying. Im learning. It’s hard because i just dont know when emotions trigger the depths of my hurt.

Sometimes i dont know who i am and what im feeling and the darkness that eats up inside. The voices, sleepless nights, my breath degrading.

Who you see outside as smiling and conversing and greeting and walking.

Im just a mess sometimes i forget days, what people say, important dates, small details.

Today was hard.

I forgive myself for fearing for lashing for being angry, for being bitter. I just cant breath right my mind goes into a fog.

I write so i stay sane. My emotions i just cant trust them now.

In sorry but today i just cant. Cant be myself, cant withstand pressure.

If it was easy

Life would be for a child.

If it was easy

If it was easy.

Its not.

So i need to pick up myself now and start over.

Don’t fix

“Are you ok?”

Yeah.

“But are you really?”

Ok…no im not.

“You can’t say that. You gotta be…”

If you cant deal with the truth then just listen to the lies.

Dont fix

Refrain from the fix

Just be there

Present

Listening…

Dont pretend to understand

Just listen

Just

Asshole

Looks innocent

And all the decent

And all the good

Harmless

Boyish smirk

White as snow

Credible status

Esteemed for leading

But you dont fool me

I forgive you

But for now you are still

Asshole

Questions

There are many things in which i seek an answer but come up with more questions rather than answers.

Just like when my son asks and i answer and he keeps on asking to all my answers. In life, to everything, as long as we are breathing we will ask and then some more.

Until death meets us, we will continue to evade the fullstops.

Here is to life and living and breathing.

As long as there is still breath we will continue to wonder.

A constant decision

To forgive and for it to take effect needs the element of time. But not only time but the decision to forgive, constantly. At every juncture when the wounds remind you of hurt, you decide to forgive. Until your remembrance removes the emotional element of hurt from your memory.

To forgive: the constant decision to eradicate the emotional element of hurt from your memory, because we can never forget. Just like scars. The marks are there to remind us that there was a period that it hurt, but now the hurt is no more.

Marrying the person of your Reality

The opposite of “Marrying the person of your dreams.” The fact of the matter is, we never marry the person of our dreams. We marry the person of our reality.

Dreams are like ideals. Our vision of what our partner is supposed to be. Some of us make a list. Some of us paint them with feeling. Some of us equate them with celebrities or famous people. This partner of ours is the cream of the crop in the realm of our imagination. The man of my dreams. The woman of my dreams.

As we stroll through life in the real world and when we meet people and we have these pangs when we meet some people who somewhat fit the “of our dreams” label. We get exited. We lose sleep. We skip meals. Our hearts pound. We fumble with our words whenever we talk to this “of our dreams.” We smile, we laugh, we giggle. Ahh so happy.

We get elated when our feelings nod in agreement with theirs. So then that makes for permitted hand holding and other stuff as well. You know. So I don’t have to elaborate.

As times passes our then “of our dreams” slowly diminishes. Some survive by making amendments to their ideals and are able to chart the way forward. Some on the other hand, crash. The either add or strip their ideals. What’s important is that there is a major overhaul. And we come to the conclusion that we were wrong. So we set out to create another dream. The thing is all along in that re-write, reality is telling us something important. The person we journey out from the altar and make life with might not come close to our dreams. The fact is not to revert back to the dream whenever a disagreement occurs, whenever conflict arises or whenever the spark (which is our responsibility to continually light) dims out.

Lay the dream to rest once reality shows you the person.

Vision is like…

Vision is like a farmer who plants (insert name of plant/ tree/ crop). The main priority that he plants whatever he/ she plants is not with the process or just whatever he/ she is planting grows.

A person plants because they see the produce in mind. They see the Fruit.

If you don’t see the fruit, you’re not seeing the vision.