Walls, though lifeless- Echoe the same utterances that’s conveyed towards it.
In the Bible, it is often believed that God is Holy, and that He is Other. He is not tainted in sin and that He is perfect.
While the Bible is clear about this distinction of God, it is also presented in the Bible that He is mercyful and gracious. He is able to extend His mercy and grace when even the worst of sinner repents and desires to turn his life around and follow God.
When God extends His mercy and grace, He lifts this repentant person up and “injects” new life in him/her. This person is thus, renewed.
But there are some on earth who are far superior than God. They take God’s holiness to another level. To me, these people appear to be above God while at the same time, want to speak on His side.
For these people, mercy and grace is limited. Limited in the way they understand the world. So in their heads, they write another Bible, and make new rules and their own version of reading the Bible.
For them, drug addicts are irredeemable. To them divorced people are irredeemable. To them those who remarry are irredeemable. To them, being authentic is being stuck in the past and still struggling. To them, they write up superior rules to shut out the socially insignificant people but shut their eyes on these same rules when they want to kiss the ass of people who are upright socially. To them, not all testimonies make the cut, and although they say they believe that “God can turn your mess into a message” but what they believe is “Although God can do something about your mess, don’t you dare make it into a message.”
There is a God who is holy and loving depicted in the Bible. But there are gods walking on this earth who are far more infinity times holier than the God of the Bible.
To me these people are “Above God.”
“When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.”
Sometimes we don’t want Jesus to do his thing. When Jesus does his thing, sometimes it creates tension. The people wanted things to be as they were: the mad man, still crazy and their pigs, safe.
“We don’t want you Jesus. We want things like how they were. We want our pigs. And for that crazy guy- we would have preferred him crazy still. We’d put up with his drama, so that we can still have our pigs.
Either you want to settle with pigs or let Jesus do his thing.
I believe in sharing authentic stories. And I believe that you should have spaces for you to share your story out.
I believe in Jesus, and also his idea of community called the church. And following Jesus, I took the step of being a pastor (youth pastor).
I believe that perfection is not a trait that humans have. And it’s not something that pastors have as well. Everyone has this crack in all of us. But yet, we still have the “image of God” somewhat present in all of us.
And with all that, it was still hard to navigate through the mess that happened when I found out about my wife’s affair. That turned my life upside down. But I chose to forgive.
My wife also chose to stay and work out with me our marriage. Working out staying together and loving each other is hard. We had fights. She didn’t understand me, I didn’t understand her. But what happened here was, we were able to speak deeply what we felt and in that same moment commited to the belief of “in good and bad, till death do us part.”
We love better now. We speak better now. We still argue but there is a quality in the arguement. We try to communicate our feeling better and forgive better. I used to think good marriages were devoid of disagreements. But now I believe that a marriage that shys away from disagreements is not a healthy marriage at all. Air out disagreements and feelings to better understand each other- and learn to forgive better.
I believe reconciliation after and affair is hard. But I also believe reconciliation after an affair is possible and can happen.
In the midst of the mess, I said to my wife, “I’m not sure if I can ever thank God for this part of our life.” But now looking back, I can say now that, I thank God for his grace, helping us walk through that mess and now loving even more. The journey was really hard but through it, me and my wife both learned to trust Jesus even more.
Of what’s apparent,
Rises and then declines,
Races and then subsides,
Turbulent catastrophic green,
And yet blueish black,
It is hard to follow,
Or make sense
Or lack of it,
I feel choked,
Floored and beaten,
Yet, there is no voice to muster sense,
Some form justification,
Some sense of redemption…
I feel hope,
But breathe a shallow reflection of the opposite.
There is a pulse…
Am I alive
Or am I dead inside?
Note: Trauma is something that is hard to explain. It is hard to justify. Hard to quantify. Hard to make sense. I felt it a few years back. And it totally crippled me to the point where I simply could not recognise myself. That was probably one of the darkest, if not the scariest point in my life. Nothing mattered but at the same time everything mattered. I was not in control of my emotions- I just let them rip through. I believe grace pulled me through. And if you’ve ever gone through real trauma- seek help. And remember to just let your emotions run through, don’t pen them inside- find some safe space to simply mourn, and truly let those raging emotions out.
I haven’t been writing much these days. Well, maybe just sermons now.
But I’ve been trying something new. Instrumental music compositions. All done on the iPad. I’ve been pushing myself to post as much as possible for 2021. As of now I’ve posted around 134 tunes as of now. I wouldn’t say they are pro level but, I do try to the best I can. Still learning the ropes.
So, if you’ve been around my blog and read my stuff, my current work is an expression in the musical side of things. Here are a few samples of what i’ve posted.
I used to think personal narratives, stories born out of your own journey, or testimonies if you will, were free to be shared because they were mine and I’m ready to do so.
But, some have made it known that it is not wise, or because i’m ill informed about my own stories, or because others feel offended (which I don’t know why.). Just be vague, be indirect, beat around the bush, so the story is a safe one.
My own intention is to give encouragement so people who walk a similar path can also see that they are not in it alone because there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe I sound like I want people to know i’m a hero. Or maybe i share out of pride. Or maybe when i say (for example), i did not eat today the implication is because you who are listening did not feed me. Or maybe i’m just an immature 40 year old who can’t make head or tails about what is share and not.
I hear others sharing their journey. They are ok. They applaud. They rave.
Maybe it’s because others are more financially stable. Or because they have good jobs and a good career built as a foundation of their story. I assume this is the case.
I’m someone who values raw and real life stories. Because I want to know what you struggle with, not the victories and successes. I want to know your failures, not how you aced the test. The bruises, wounds, rage, emotions; the things that make me know you’re human. And how through your humanness, you survived and managed to climb upward. I want to hear real stories, not fairytales. Leave that to story books and movies and Netflix.
I don’t actually speak or write a lot about my journeys. Maybe because of that, when I do mention and make know, people assume all I talk about is myself.
I have stories of my journey I want to share, but I can’t because my testimonies are cringeworthy (to some people).
Be honest, they say, but not too honest.
The gift of isolation is a window into the soul.
There you find question you’ve never ventured asking.
Answers you’ve never attempted to conclude.
Beginnings you’ve never expected, nor endings you’ll never spun.
When we are devoid of noise, it’s then we begin to make sense of what we hear, and see them for what they should be.
Isolation can be a prison, but if you let it be something else, it can be turned a gift.
Can we forget?
If the thing we want to forget is the very thing that stabs
Deep down, inflicting wounds?
If the very thing inhales the very life of you
And robs you of your dreams?
If the very thing blurs vision and whatever that was of importance
To ashes? Worthless, lifeless, and soon carried off into the wind?
Never to return to its former form because
You’re burying the remains of what was
Just not that deep but you’ve put enough soil
To keep it under. Just enough or so it seems.
I don’t think we’re meant to forget because memories
They come back,
They get jolted into the present because something in the moment
Conjures the past.
We don’t forget because we’re human and how much we do or want to suppress
Won’t erase the past.
They stand and will always stand as that part of your story
That particular part.
We don’t forget because we’re made up that way,
Wired that way.
If we can’t forget what should we do with those parts that spell
Like all wounds, like how we’re made up, it will heal.
We dour it with medication,
And with time, we attend to it when need be.
From time to time we open the bandage and see,
And repeat the process of attention
Until one day our attention shifts from feeling pain to just reminders.
Eventually it heals and no more attention is needed.
Wounds that are deep and when healed leaves a scar.
A scars only means that there was a time when it was painful but now there is none of that available.
We remember that phase when it was so, just minus the sharp searing feeling.
We don’t forget
We just remember rightly
That which was at one point unbearable
Has no effect in us moving forward.
It is not victory
Nor escalating success
That causes the world to remember.
They will remember depth of soul
Strength of courage amidst impending defeat
Will, that is unwavering even when shackled, when imprisoned- still stands.
The narrative of the real remembers what the world thinks of as weak
Weakness is only spoken for in the present
But what was deemed weakness is lifted as legend
We remember not victory
But bravery, a person of integrity
A person’s value of humanity.