I used to think that I was safe from the thought of ever experiencing a break up. I thought that conflicts could be resolved and things would end up better for the journey. I used to believe that my so called stable relationship was heavily fortified and guarded, safe for the harms and grips of failure.
I had no worries, just a notion of content parading and playing, soothing even the most torrid state of mind. In my unhindered mind, breakups was not something i believed in especially for me.
But when the inevitable thing arrived i was left in the dust crawling, drowning in the waves of sorrow, groping for a place to lean my body so i could breath. The smell and taste and sight of one inhaling the fumes of a torrid end of any form of relationship is close to depicting dispair, one that eats up any form of energy and making life a hellish time to live. Alive but at times, better dead.
These thoughts taunt the soul, buffet the strength of ones will and render the person powerless to the brink of immobility. It does seem like nothing else matters, nothing much makes sense, all are just vain deceitful notions of hope. The heart feels that hope is just a romanticized notion, a floating idea, just some sort of random useless idea.
It doesn’t get better when one starts to get flooded with memories of the past. Sweet memories become as bile smells of rotten meat. Hope elude, truth made false by the present entailment. In moments like this, feelings become the scum to the living inhabitant, his constant flow of sweat and vomit.
Do mind some of the more vivid depictions, but for some reasons i think honesty paves way for freedom to come. It paves way for truth to be laid bare and not hindered. Keeping things welled up creates sores and produce untreated pores that continue to grow and spread and become infected wounds that become too untreatable in the long run.
Getting up after a breakup is not something that comes to the mind of those going through them. And to think along those lines makes it a constant hassle because hurt and grief somehow tries to drown out hope of any form of joy from being released. But how can someone get up after breaking up?
With that question comes my embattled reflections on the possibility of getting up and living again. It’s a hard process but not an impossible feat. Here are my thoughts:
1.) Acknowledging the loss, be honest about your grief.
There is the notion that we have to muster every ounce of energy to think positively to take captive our downcast emotions. There is truth in this but in cases where one has not fully embraced the feelings of hurt and sorrow, they remain there, all be it tucked and hidden until they would eventually submerge again. I find that from my journey in getting up, it is a rehabilitating fact that we must tell ourselves that we are really hurt by the thing that has happend. We have to acknowledge that we are disappointed. I find that acknowledging our hurt helps one move rather that hiding the hurt feelings, sweeping them under the rug.
2.) Accept the fact that its over and move on
The reality to this is the sooner one excepts the fact that its over the sooner it is to move on. This will be a constant battle one that is needed to move on. Once one has acknowledged the loss and expressed the hurt, the next thing to do is to constantly remind the heart that the old has passed and to move on amidst the pain. This will have to be a constant discipline because there are times when one will be consumed by emotions of probing despair in the separation. But this step is the time when one fights on to move on. This is the ‘push comes to shove’ period.
3.) Remember rightly, that although the the relationship is over there were memorable memories as well.
This point has it’s influence from reading Miroslav Volf, one of the most insightful theologians I’ve read. Remembering rightly has at it’s elemental level in my reflection on getting up after break up is to remember that there were some good memories as well. One temptation for someone going through this period is to think that everything experienced before were just lies. At one point in the past when the relationship was still going strong, there were real commitments being expressed.
This is what I’m trying to regain in my mind. There were beautiful moments in my past relationship and I’ll let then stand as such. There is no need for me to equate them with the pain hope eluded because of the break up. This only leads to bitterness and that is something that can leave a rotting effect in the heart.
When we can remember rightly, we can bring ourselves to forgive the hurts, we can start to move on and we can appreciate all that has happened.
4.) Always remember that getting up is a process and not cured by one prayer
I’m not at all saying that prayer is not important in cases like this. It is important, but all too much people tend to think that prayer will cure the heartbreak. My honest answer to this is, no it will not. If we see prayer in this kind of state, we will get ourselves disappointed because it will not work. Prayer coupled with disciplining the heart and being truthful to emotions is what one needs at this point to have a chance at moving on. I’m just a bit irritated when people overstress on prayer a little too much.
5.) We need community
Points 1-4 dealt with a lot on the inner dimensions of what someone seeking to move on goes through, but all along the way point 5 has to be constantly evident in all the patterns of moving on. It is essential and one of the most important elements that one has to remember, one cannot do it all alone. We need the strength of community or in other words, we need friends in whom we can trust and be ourselves.
We need friends whom we can be authentic with. We need friends who are willing to hear all the ugly contents of our hearts as we go through emotional spiral. We need people who can understand and accept. We need people who can be there. Although i narrow the community here in terms of friends, i find parents to be of help as well. My parents were supportive and were willing to hear my laments and some of the hard stuff that come out from my mouth.
Having community is an indispensable element to moving on. If we just keep stuff inside and have no one to help us carry the load, the journey up will just be some sort of unrealistic expectation. We might never even recover from the emotional stress without community.
The process thus far
Life goes on. On the points above, I do not propose to give answers. Experiences and journeys are deeply personal but I also believe that if it can help you in the process of moving on, I’m glad to be of assistance. I’ve not fully recovered as of yet, there are still deep issues that need to be confronted. But this has been my structured effort at moving on. I have constant struggles left and right but the underlining thing that we all must tell ourselves is that, there is hope, there is a way out, and there is life after breakups.