(Something I wrote and posted on facebook notes. Just thought of reproducing it on the blog.)
I think i hate myself. Well, sometimes i seriously do. I don’t think i look anything attractive so i don’t really do much to help upgrade myself in the looks department. I think i don’t.
I was out with my sister and we were talking about what we would do if we somehow got rich. She said she would buy stuff. Buy a laptop or gadgets. I asked whether she thought about owning a big mansion, but she shrugged that off. I echoed her answer to that by agreeing. She apparently knew what i would buy though. A stack of books. And i added that I’d probably get a Mac for recording music. She also wants a Mac as well. Anyway everyone wants a Mac.
I told her that I don’t think i would buy clothes though. She agreed, she knows her brother. I’m not a clothes person. I think I haven’t bought anything new this year. No new clothes. I’m content with the old ones. I seriously think that buying clothes is a waste of money. So i guess that makes me not liking myself enough not to do anything about how i look in terms of fashion.
But then again, i take time to look in the mirror once in a while, as sheepishly as that sounds. Make sure that my hair looks right. Make sure that at least it looks right. I try to figure out ways to eliminate moles to no avail. But take comfort that Cindy Crawford looks good with a mole. Well she only has to deal with one though.
I also listen to what my stomach is saying from time to time. There was a period of time where i tried to starve myself on occasions but since i said ‘on periods of times’ i meant it. So when i’m hungry i eat. As simple as that.
Which makes me wonder sometimes why i hate myself and make that as a serious intuitive element in my thinking on occasions. I want to believe that but in reality I guess i don’t really hate myself with a vengeance. I want to but seriously i don’t really.
I guess it has something to do with the mechanism where we have this dissatisfaction feeling most of the time with life, what we have achieved or mostly what we have not archived. But the ‘hate myself’ part comes out stronger as usual. Because we seem to be focusing on a minor reality that we constantly lock ourselves in. Nothing is going right with me so maybe im a loser and so that is a valid reason to hate myself because others are doing fine and here i am, a dumbass, making nothing, achieving nothing. I guess, if we dig that hole deep enough we stay there. And if we continue to dig, we avoid the reality that we don’t really hate ourselves that much. It is a serious lie really.
So, there are occasions where i think that i do have serious hates with myself but it is a small reality that that make me up to be a person. I have some good spots and I do take care of this body from time to time. Come to think of it, I don’t really think i hate myself. I hate the state im in. I guess we forget that. Sure, the person has some contribution to the state he/she is in but in reality there is a way out.
I’ve not discovered that in it’s entirety but for now, I guess i hate myself a little less thinking about hating myself.