(This post is not meant to be a description of my struggles, just to note. It’s just an imagination on what goes through someone’s mind when depression takes over.)
I am in my woes. Life is not looking up to me and all I see is struggle everywhere. I really pity my state of affairs. Nothing is really looking good for me. All friends have deserted me. ALL.
Though some have sought to help. Their words are like shooting arrows because they do not understand how i feel. They think they know but they dont. Stupid fellas. Your advises are like wax. Like a person without his back bone. I have no patience to listen to your reasoned pleadings. My own struggles are unique. Mine and mine alone.
Yes, i hear you are talking now. But I choose to listen to nothing you say. Now I’m only looking at your mouth moving uttering sounds that I can’t seem to make. Just like clinging cymbals to me. Clang Clang Clang!
Now you’re telling me that to be strong and talking about how God will be my help and my strength. I know all this my so called comforter. I pray to God too you know. I asked God today to zap away what I’m feeling but it’s still there. Apparently now I know I should not be here. God by not giving me peace is telling me other wise then.For I believe that if one prays you get what you pray for. And since I don’t have an answered prayer for my feelings to be stilled it must be something else then that God is telling me.
And like what my friend is telling me, all those stuff about taking captive feelings or simply disciplining the mind to a certain extent seems gibberish. Stupid suggestions. Where is God in that. God is supposed to zap them. Not like that. If he does not then it’s to tell you that God has a different perspective for the person to know.
And so with all this going in my head, I just shut off all receptiveness because my problems are what speaks louder and in that I cannot hear any word you’re telling me. Raw emotions they are. With all this going through my mind the only logic is my own. Let me just stay where I am. Let me just believe that I cannot stand up again. Let me just believe that my problem is unique and it’s the only problem that is bigger that any other that I know of.