Yesterday was marked with a cloud of depression. It just came without notice, sometimes like when it’s supposed to be hot and the sun is shining and all of a sudden the rain pours heavily and the feeling of frustration is conjured up because my clothes that I dried in the morning is not soaked.
Why did it not knock? Depression came in like a thief or an intruder. I did not notice and by the time I found out there was depression sitting and watching tv on my imaginary couch in my head. Startled, I was somewhat shocked but upon invitation depression called out for me to enjoy the show with him on the couch eating chips. Maybe it was the chips that gave way but I don’t know, because now depression has befriended me.
And so I was sitting beside depression and he turned off the tv and proposed we have a chat. And so, I thought since he’s already in and sitting on my couch why not? Why not just have a short chat. I mean there might be no harm to that. And so we chatted and he brought up issues of my immediate past. He talked about losers and “what if’s” and the bleak future. He kept going on and I just nodded. I kept agreeing with his assessment. And I wondered how true his words were and I started to feel comfortable hearing my stories from depression’s angle.
But his stories about me seemed to drain me somehow. Though they made me the star and all, it was a show in how to be a professional self-pity expert. A skill I was learning all the time, a skill that i constantly practice rigorously. I might get a PhD for my efforts. I might be a professor to teach other’s in the way of depression. And soon I was lost in the conversation.
But somehow I needed air because I thought that somehow oxygen has been less and I had a hard time breathing. The brain needs air to think also as well. And so I went out and felt the breeze and saw the scenery of green. And saw people flickering by and heard the still small voice speaking and the promise of hope, the promise of presence that has always been told and reassuring me when I was away from the influences of temptation. And so somehow I see how depression has painted an ugly picture of truth with no hope and no life worth living.
And so the voice reassured me not of a path across life without struggles and pain but the promise of being there when I feel the clutches of depression whispering in my ears. And so I went along with the presence that has smoothed my heart to hope even in the midst of the small storm.
And now when I was back, depression has left, leaving a mess in my house. He left without leaving a note or the thought about cleaning the place after his leisured stay. But at least he is gone and now the presence has descended to take the place of my previous intruder. It was upon my invitation and so I was fine with that. And so now I’ll say good night and lay my head to blissful sleep.