How to “Suck” at Following Jesus

1. Following Jesus the Rebel

Just go around and cause arguments and disagreements with the religious leaders. After all Jesus did stomp on their pious teachings and that’s what it means by following Jesus, being a rebel with an “I Don’t Care Attitude.” Grow your hair long and if you can grow a beard and leave them unkempt. After all Jesus did all that didn’t he? Rebels breaks the rules so go ahead and create a havoc, run riot in the church when you smell something fishy in the footsteps of Jesus in the temple.

2. Following Jesus because he is kind and loving or tolerant

Talk more about peace and love and tolerance. Never touch on difficult subjects like Jesus rebuking his disciples and all that hard stuff. Try to read them in a different light if possible. Focus more on the love passages and stuff that talks about unity. Anyways unity that can be seen of this earth is only achieved by being tolerant to people and always smile and try to have no disagreements. Agree with everyone, disagree with no one.

3. Following Jesus because he is strong and macho

Men, it is attested, find no pleasure to be in church because everything seems sappy and all puffy blossom flowers. Christianity is soft and girly and that’s why so many women make up the majority of church. So now bring in the new model of how church can be macho to attract the men, bring in the hero Jesus. Jesus with muscles and rippling biceps. All man and no soft leanings. Jesus who can whop ass. That’s my lord. Men flock to this Jesus like going to a sports event.

4. Follow Jesus because of heaven and hell

It’s not so attractive to tell people to live a life in following Jesus, to take up the cross and live a life of self-denial. This is so unattractive. But get your preaching geared more to shock than allowing God to work in the person. Paint a picture of how horrible hell is. Get a good artist and a good storyteller for this, use visual effects on how terrible hell is. When people are at the edge of their seats apply in the soothing message that there is an escape, Heaven. Just believe in Jesus and heaven the place where we live forever becomes a reality. People will run down and worship just because of heaven and hell.

5. Following Jesus because he blesses

It’s good you see, following Jesus because he took our place to put us on to where we are supposed to be, sons and daughters of the king of kings. So it’s a flood of blessing for all God’s people because we’re the kids of the king. And with that God blesses us. Flood the church with testimonies in how Jesus made me rich, got the big house, that now I’m driving a sports car compared to the heap of junk I had before. Jesus blesses and that’s enough for me to follow him. But have trouble reading the beatitudes. They sound weird!

2 thoughts on “How to “Suck” at Following Jesus

  1. This was freakin awesome! Provacative statement that is going to stick with me for a while: “Jesus who can whop ass.”

    Some many people come up with their own projection of Jesus that they feel comfortable with. You exposed many that I have come in contact with. I want to leave you with a great quote that a professor gave me in class a couple weeks ago:

    “if your concept of God is radically false, the more devoted you are, the worse off you will be.” William Temple

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s