Cynicism, brokenness, faith

A fire burning when doused by water reeks a smell so pungent you wish you just left it to burn until it so desires to stop. It is so with love. Guard your hearts until you’re ready to take the plunge to start a fire. But then we will never know when that right time is. Human emotions are fickle. So our best guess will only be our own best guess. We will never know really when it is we are ready. What we do know is that we have to take that plunge.

I have to admit that I’m a failure when it comes to relationships. This is after all failed attempt number three. My first one lated 10 days. I guess I can still laugh at that one now. I was pretty much immersed with the thought of evangelizing the whole state of Sarawak for Jesus, writing out songs and touring with my band singing gospel songs. That was what I thought was the future. But my girlfriend thought I was nuts. So then that was it. I pretty much cried like a baby for five days and chucked the idea of being so mushy. I was ok then.

Number two came and that one lasted for six years. I guess we drifted apart after knowing that what we wanted in life were not what we saw in each other. We were by far just drifting apart. We broke up just before I made my plunge to seminary to continue my studies in theology. It took me like seven months to get over that. I wrote poetry that time which pretty much conveyed how I felt at that time. Those were for me dark moments when every day felt like 3am.

Then number three came into my life. She was this smart and very beautiful girl. We would chat for hours on Facebook, text, and I would spend all my money on phone credits. She was really something. We broke up a few months back, which I’m still feeling the effects right now. I still have feelings for her but I guess I should move on. I guess I was boring. I don’t know. I guess I didn’t spend time to call her. I guess I took things for granted. I can only guess now. I’m still hurt but I guess she’s happy now. Happy not to be stuck being amused to death by a clown that had no talent for amusements.

I used to think that for relationships to last, devotion was needed. Openness was needed. Being able to make someone laugh, connecting while having deep conversations, not cheating on the one you loved. I also thought that if you had God in your relationships that would cement it. But I guess now, it’s not clear to me on the things we have to do to hold a relationship. I’m still a bit cynical when people say that the things I explained above would be enough to hold a relationship. But, it’s funny, having this cynical view of love ever being possible, I still think it’s something possible. I don’t know much about what makes a relationship lasts. But the much I know is how much it hurts when people soon drift apart.

To me, there are no formulas to a lasting relationship. If they last hurray. If not move on. But in all this we still have to believe in some sort of lasting love. Even if we border on the cynical. I guess faith is something like that. We will still believe in something even thought we go through life holding onto broken dreams.

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2 thoughts on “Cynicism, brokenness, faith

  1. scatteredpeicesofme says:

    Even though God should be the center of our relationships doesn’t mean that we allow Him to be. And even if He is, there is still the human factor. We are imperfect people trying to live perfect lives. Overall, we still have freewill and when freewill is still in effect, there will aways be imperfections in our relationships that cause pain, heartache, and sometimes seperation. Sorry that it still hurts. To tell you to just “get over it” is not right or correct. Take it one step at a time.

    1. j says:

      nicely put. i kinda hate it when some want to sound spiritual and or just want me to just drive away the pain by saying, “just move on” or “you can” really gets on my nerves.

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