Just me and myself


I tried my best to concentrate reading Annie Dillard’s “The Writing Life” today while I was out sipping iced cool coffee. But the music somehow drowns meaning from the words I’m trying to appreciate and think about. I simply could not digest what Dillard was saying but it’s apparently not her fault. I blame the loud music and the people chattering on my left and right. I’m thinking now to tell them, “may I have some peace and quite please?” But I can’t blame them, they all sit in a company of friends, all laughing hearing stories or the general empty chatter that normally accompanies a crowd. No offense but I’m speaking in general not saying that they are devoid of meaningful stuff to talk about.

I finished my English muffin as they call it but I’m not sure which part of it is English. It’s probably my ignorance I guess. I haven’t traveled around to any country accept once to Australia when I was still young. I vaguely remember anything but just the Knight Rider toy I bought then. I also remember the short argument I had with my nephew. Yeah he was my nephew cause his dad was my cousin. We argued about whose dad was better. The things that kids argue about.

I was thinking about watching a movie today but I forgot to bring along my specs which you could say I need them to watch stuff on the big screen. But I’m not at all disappointed because the movie I wanted to watch was not showing. I’m not much of a movie buff. But I can enjoy them if I do end up watching stuff. I once went alone once and the lady at the counter asked me, “Only one?” To which I answered while looking around me’ “Er, yes.” The lady smiled as if she was thinking in her little head, “What a loser!” Ah well, losers need to watch movies too lady. I just smiled back and walked towards where they were screening the movie I was watching.

I used to go to the cinema with my girlfriend then. She loved movies, while I loved company and yes the movies we watched as well. I remember the time when we first met and we went to watch “The Book of Eli.” We weren’t a couple then so I guess it was ok to watch a movie like that. I guess I’m not accustomed to watching movies alone.

A few months back I bought myself an iPad 2. Now I don’t normally spend money on gadgets. I’m quite happy with my small laptop which I use for writing papers as a student, and to surf the web that is. I guess I’ll justify the reason I bought this iPad 2. I like books and I have tons of PDF files. Something like a library on the go when I need them. I also love to write and this baby is something I use as a note pad. And I simply need to surf whenever I can find a place that provides free wifi. But I’m just kidding myself. Those were not the reasons I bought this thing. I was frustrated from my break up so I used the money I slaved with a little help from my younger brother who makes more money than me to get it. I still haven’t recovered from it yet but at least it keeps me busy for the purpose of writing.

I went out to keep my mind occupied on something else rather than thinking about her but when I opened my wallet to take money out of it, her picture stared at me. And for a few seconds I basked in her beauty. It’s not like I was fazed for like forever but it was just a few seconds. But a lot of things played back in my mind. Her presence is still very much with me. I still think about her. And sometimes I can’t believe it’s over. I still wonder if she still feels the same way.

There was a time not long ago, after going through another earlier break up where I was recovering and was slowly getting accustomed with the single life. Being alone and having no emotional entanglements or the constant thoughts of thinking about another, was something like normal at that moment. I was happy scouring the streets, with my books and notes and in deep thoughts. There was a time when all that was in the state of normal for me. But after being in a relationship again and then breaking up, I’m finding the rhythm of being single something hard to flow with. I guess for now her memory will still linger. Her image and everything about her will still be there held tight in my heart. But I’ll try to keep calm. Try to stay sane and possibly be able to move on as she seems to be moving on quite well.

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