I’ve been posting a lot recently and after you post, WordPress tells me of how many posts I have written and tells me some tips on how to get readers. I know this is lame. But I wanna write something, just anything. So I just clicked on the title above and it asks “Who’s the last person you had a really great conversation with?” I’m trying to search in the database of my mind to see what I have. I probably have a few. So here goes.
I had this conversation the other day with this friend of mine. Good friend I should say. We were talking and the conversation gravitated towards my struggle with getting back on track because of my manic depression getting over my recent break up. I think we met at Starbucks. I had my usual and he had his usual. I wouldn’t bore you with the facts on what we drank. But if you must know, it’s some sort of coffee.)
So here’s how the conversation went…
Friend: Hey Jon (People call me Jon for short. Back home they call me Athan), how’s everything with you? I see you’ve lost a lot of weight. Have you been dieting or something?
Me: Err, sorta. You can put it that way. Well, I haven’t been eating regularly that’s for sure. So, if that fits the description of dieting, then yeah, I’m doing just that.
Friend: (Looking rather curious now, in how I see it from my observation. Taken aback and knowing something amiss from the way I explained it.) I see. But I wouldn’t call that dieting man. Looks to me that somethings not right. How’s your girlfriend? Last time we talked, you were planning to get married. So how is that working out?
Me: (Shit! He’s on to me! So I scratch my head thinking of how to explain this without shedding tears. I have to act manly. Honest but manly!) Err, damn. Whenever I get asked that question, I find it hard to explain. I guess I can tell you since you’re close to me. We…we broke up. I though this one would last forever man but we broke up. I don’t know. She had her explanations but I’m not convinced. I still have loads of questions back in my head. The ones that cry out “WHY?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!” I guess she was bored with me. Maybe I did not pay attention to her. I guess it was our distance and her new working environment. It drives me nuts sometimes when I think she’ll be with someone else!!!
Friend: Jon…I’m sorry to hear about this. Really sorry for you man. Guess that explains why you look so scrawny now. I’m here for you man. I’m shocked. I thought you two were meant for each other, the way you talked about her and everything.
Me: Yeah. I thought so too. You know how I was after my last break up. Took me a long while to forget about that one and move on. And I was scrawny that time as well. Was a little bit crazy as well. I don’t know how I’m gonna get over this one. And this is just right before my graduation! I broke up with my last one when I was here and now when I’m completing this degree, same thing happens. Would you call that coincidence or something like an omen of sorts? Sometimes I’m good but sometimes I’m just…just…depressed. I don’t know. Nothing makes sense now. I just have no desire for anything at the moment. And worst, I wished she would have gave me a text or just sent me a message on Facebook or something like that on my birthday. I guess she forgot already. Some birthday I celebrated. You wanna know how I celebrated my birthday?
Me: Alone. Sitting alone sipping coffee at Starbucks and writing till it was dark and I went back. I wrote again when I arrived in my rented room and dozed off to sleep. I tried to call he that day but she didn’t pick up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? Dude! What’s wrong with me? I know I’m not that rich. I don’t make a lot of money like the guys she works with now. I don’t own a car. I just commute on the train! Is that what’s wrong with me? Cause I’m broke? F…F…ah there’s no use to curse man. Nothing will bring her back. She’s gone. And the worst thing is I’m still not over her!
We sat there staring at each other. Drank our coffee in the the painful reality, well it was my painful reality that is, of a sense of brokenness. I think we just ended our conversation just like that.
But I have to be honest. I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with anyone yet as I recall. If I had, I probably would’t remember the gist of it like I remember the one above. I guess you know by now who this friend was. The “he” that I actually conversed with was me. Yeah. I talk to myself, while sitting at Starbucks, sipping coffee and writing. It’s pathetic. I know. But that’s as much as I can do when I’m done writing posts on my blog. I just sit there with my thoughts. Thinking while all the while talking to myself. Consoling, and venting, and some more consoling until everything is quiet. And I just sit there in silence. But sometimes it’s not always like that. Sometimes I’m ok and I just think ideas, possibilities and stuff to write. But sometimes that’s how it is. I confess I talk to myself. Well my thoughts converse with me.
So, who’s the last person you had a great conversation with?