The tension of holding on to meaninglessness and hope

Have you ever come to a point of your life when you sent a probe to the vicinity of your brain and come out confused because you don’t really know who you are? Sorry cause the part about sending the probe thing is from Limitless cause I’ve been watching the movie for a record sixth time. But to retract back to the question, have you, after some deep self reflection come to a point where you’ve exhausted your resources in knowing who you are?

I guess I’m in this sort of tussle right now. Before, I was setting my sight on being a youth pastor, then a scholar, and now I’m not sure what I am. It’s probably the need to trying to tie connections with vocation that has made me lost in some sense. I’m neither a full blown practitioner in the classical sense but I am all for making things simple and understandable. Neither am I a scholar in the classic sense but I have a deep appreciation of all things academic. I don’t fall to the extreme sense of a professional in both matters. As for artistic expression, I am in some ways an artist. But not a full blown artist. My ideas are just ordinary unlike other artists. I am in the middle of all these things, almost practitioner, almost scholar, almost artist…but never professional. I know enough to survive. Enough to be able to engage meaningfully.

I guess today the sentence which states, an existence of being neither here nor there but still the aim is somewhere, is something I’m holding on to at the moment. Holding on to the tension of a meaningless life while having enough hope to think that it’s not over till I want it to be.

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