Give me

SPECT nuclear imaging of the heart, short axis...
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Give me a heart made of stone
so I cannot feel, be pricked or pierced
So i don’t have to feel pain
pleading in the rain

Give me a heart like towering mountains
When i get hit I stand firm
and unmoved by words
because I could echo them back with the same kind of vengeance

Give me a heart that doesn’t pant
So i can run and not grow tired
and not stop for air because i have to
To outrun the maze this crazy life is into
and scoff at it catching up behind me

Give me a heart that’s unresponsive
in an explosion filled with truckloads of explosives
detonated to annihilate all sense of being
I come unscratched and unfazed
Alive but with a conscious sense of numbness

Give me all that, and i cease to be human
I cease to know a sense of injustice
like something is wrong
Give me all that, and I become less of a person
a walking zombie if you may
a lifeless plague of a being

Give me less pain i say,
I don’t understand it
why boomerang questions unanswered
Sturdy foundations seems like uneven surfaces
hope eludes and feels like no more than pretty fairy tales
A ‘happy ever after’ dilutes reality
like a mirage
it plays with the mind consumed with thirst

So give me…give me
give me less of a person
less of contemplated reason

but then again do i want this?

Public Shivering

Ronald Wright, speaking in the Myer Horowitz T...
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I love it when I hear some of those great speakers, who can mesmerize people through their books as well as when they are presenting a lecture, being confident, engaging as well as being clear by way of communication. N. T. Wright is good. Though he is not in the charisma department of speaking in public his presentations are good.

I had my preaching stints a couple of times so I know what speaking in public entails. Before I used to be someone who hated speaking in public but now I think I’ve changed. But that does not mean I’m getting better at it. Honestly, I’m managing and I hope I’m progressing in a way.

But I guess the realm of public speaking is not something that I really like doing. My mind simply blacks out when I’m not prepared. Believe me this really happened!

I’m taking this course on public speaking in seminary and I hope it helps. I find that sometimes I tend to divert from the theme and topic that is give. I find also that I shake pretty much or is it move a lot when I’m nervous. Sometimes I think this is stupid because why should i be nervous speaking in front of people familiar to me. And I notice also that when I make mistakes in terms of pronunciation or somehow i feel that my points didn’t get along well with listeners that’s when i start to shake.

I love public speaking but for now I’m confining to public shivering.

(absolute) Truth

It’s common for people, if they want to emphasize something, apart from just saying, “I’m telling you the truth,” we emphasize the weight of our truthful confession with, “I swear I’m telling the truth.”

As if saying that, there is such a thing as a truth that is half of what being truthful means. Well that’s how the world works. A word designating something being absolute, has to be emphasized again with another word.

One example that comes to mind is when Christians for some reason want to use a designation such as ‘absolute truth.’ What’s wrong with something being just ‘true’? Isn’t ‘true’ enough to mean something is true; as what it is?

I guess, when we start to play homage to elevating truth as being absolute, it wrecks what truth is supposed to be; something that represents something to be true. Which for me is a designation enough without trying to add anything to it.

It’s like when we talk about Jesus. About how we explain that his sacrifice for our sins and us repenting and believing in him in changed living is what makes our salvation a reality. Nothing to add to there. Just the thing about trusting Jesus. We don’t have to add anything to that.

The other thing that crops up with the ‘absolute truth’ thing would be, there is no room for discussion or dialogue. It’s an open ended kind of talk. It’s like saying, “Since I’m telling you about something being absolutely true, what’s the point of you trying to argue with the points I made, or try to find weakness in my argument? Since in the first place it’s absolutely true?” To me that makes for bad conversation. Conversations that do not lead somewhere.

To me, what we carry forward with this designation; absolute truth, brings about some explosive repercussions that are enough to cripple our standings. To me that’s bad. Though I do not think that it will affect the large community that believes in Jesus, it does paint us in the press as really bad people. We might be able to argue our way out of that but it will be hard. So if that is the case it is better that we watch how we say stuff out to others.

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure is the start of failure. But who in the world does not have a fear of failing or being a failure? I find that as my constant struggle. I fear to fail because sometimes it can somehow create a scar-like shape in the soul of the person. Crippling effects like this stunts progress. Do you fear to fail as well?

a nemesis that constantly stalks at my door
telling me what I know from before
weaknesses that are not hidden in hind sight
bearing evidence in the light

it is best to not take a step least
the darkness falls its engulfing mist
to swallow any ray of light that still shines
and wallow me in shame i call mine

failure is my constant critic
for stagnant seats i find all soothing
but all this bouts leave me torn and crippled
for prolonging days mounts up
and with it lies a soul that’s buried
for fear has taken reign if I’m not able
to carry the weight of failure to its grave.

Regretting Greek?

I have a lot of frustration reading commentaries because of the problem where whenever there are citation of Greek words about a passage comes up in the explanation, I lose my train of thought and I have to go over rereading the passage in the commentary again. I have a problem with commentaries but I have to read them and compare ideas of different authors on the meaning of the text over against ideas I get from my own readings based on the text and the overriding context. The initial stages are always the hardest but I like when clouded vision becomes clear vision.

The above ‘excuse’ is part of the reason I got myself signed up for Greek 1 this semester in seminary, to curb the constant frustration i have with a hope of reading commentaries with more fluidity rather than constantly hitting a brick wall.

I have to say that the initial stages of learning was great. I did well and all that but I think now a form of brooding voice of regret is constantly ringing in my mind to quit. I’m finding it difficult to understand English technical methods of explaining Greek grammar. I’m not so familiar with all these things and somewhere along the line I think I’m just some dumb student who has a problem with English grammar because I don’t understand most of the terms.

Am I at the point of regretting the whole idea of studying biblical Greek? I was but just toying with the idea. I can read some of the words and that is good already, but I need to improve. But I hope to get my hands on this book which I saw online form Zondervan entitled “English Grammar to Ace New Testament Greek

Anxiety

I don’t know what it is with this anxiety of achieving and attaining but it has to be something that is really sucking the energy out of my already weakened body. I sit in class sometimes and listen to lectures and get exited thinking through the stuff being conveyed and a sense of peace evades and make you have this light bulb experience in your head. Everything is cool, when that happens. Just sitting down not having pressure to perform in critical thinking but just absorbing.

I like that setting when there is not pressure. But I get anxious when I think about what will happen next, thinking too much in the future and about stuff like finances and about how will things work out when they are all messed up and menial things like that. Stuff a student struggles with.

I get anxious also because there is a sense in achieving something from my studies, to be somebody respected, and intellectual, able to think critically and finds it a piece of cake reading ancient languages. Is it really something worth to attain and be proud of. Sometimes I want it but all for the wrong reasons I think.

I get anxious when i am not focused on the task at hand like trying to just focus on assignments, doing them one by one and then reading required texts which should be finished and understood. Loads of work and sometimes they feel like a mountain to climb, and the only way is up. I console myself that it’s important to get through them with a composed mind and that all students go through the same anxiety. But there are good moments that I fall in love doing these things, they are not that bad anyway but still anxiety lingers.

I get anxious when i see those younger than me being all successful and they seem like living well and earning a good and steady amount of money and they have happy photos smiling and laughing, over beer and food, catching the waves and sailing, sitting under the shades at the beach or strolling in Europe. Some post pictures of gadgets that I could only dream of owning and I get anxious about matching up to all that.

I get anxious when I hear my friends getting married and meeting the love of their lives and have grand weddings and some have sweet simple ones and they pose for photographs and the camera goes snap snap and they post them on Facebook and people comment there “congratulations!” It’s nice to read all those good wishes and have so many people being happy for their happiness. I wish they had a corned to say congratulations to someone who is single. Well sometimes my mind thinks stupid and so I tag along with it till the anxiety feeling drops off.

I guess I get anxious about thinking too much to be something and someone I am not. I get anxious coveting things I don’t really need and to be in situations that I’m not yet ready for or because of conditions that I am in. I guess it’s better to see life as imaginative as possible living in our present conditions and not always hoping to just reach the skies and we just want to pout and say it’s not fair because others are doing better than you.

And I guess as i think through, anxiety happens when I think more about making my life the pursuit of other people’s aspirations and dreams rather than knowing what we’re really called to do.

Emotions

I find it hard to mask feelings and emotions and stuff like that when I feel like they are bursting out with no control. It’s really frustrating when they come at the wrong time as well. I get so anxious when it feels deprived or have to wait to find out and patience feels like a torrid weight to carry and bear with. I just want to let go of just holding the emotion of liking someone and just letting them know what I feel. I think sometimes people value you being up front, just bearing your soul.

It could be easy you know just letting it out and not try  to play games and all that, not trying too much to mask your every move so that the other person does not have to decipher them, because she will knows what you’re actually up to anyways, so there is no hiding the gestures, language and actions that you try to convey. They would be out in the open…and she will have the chance to say yes and no and for that you will be left to either feel sad or exited by the response and feel somewhat relieved because you simply told the truth about your intention. If it’s a rejection, of course there will be pain but it would be for just awhile because there would not be any prolonged anxiety. And if it turns out to be a yes it becomes really good and that means many hours in dreamy thoughts and being lifted up but yet still on the ground. Those feelings are common and true, and most of all they are great, really great. You just feel an escalation to run and dance (even if you don’t dance, I know I don’t dance) and jump and shout and just tell the world abut the amazing fact that the girl you like, likes you back and you find that an amazing fact about life and you’re spinning like you were on a merry-go-round that keeps spinning full speed ahead and surprisingly you don’t feel nauseous at all.

But sometimes the drastic telling of saying simply how you feel about a girl moves on into an area of ruining something that is already budding. Stuff like friendships, there can be no doubt in that. So many times we just want what we feel in the moment, when our pulse is racing because someone beautiful has captured our attentions and captivated out thoughts and they keep running in our mind. And we like everything about the girl, her voice becomes the most beautiful voice that melts your heart and gaze are so dreamy you are hypnotized by their power. And when she smiles, you notice the details that make your heart tingle and you sometimes get weak on the knees and feel like you simply wanted to just fall to the ground like and injured player but minus the pain. And all this makes it harder to think, when emotions are the stuff that controls you mind to think clearly. You could have built on something special rather than just saying, “I really like you.” And with that you spoil what could have been a strong friendship that may have not been romantic and or maybe it could have led to somewhere there. It takes time to see inside the heart for something ringing genuine. Something that is more than just gutless emotions.

Emotions are really hard to decipher whether it’s something genuine or true, something believable and in the end turn into commitment. Because sometimes emotions are just like straw made houses, which the imaginary wolf in the story that my mum used to read to me, “the three little pigs,” would huff and puff and blow the house down. Emotions are the stuff of uncertainty. But i think, it is to be tamed like a wild horse, tamed to be trained in prolonged measure. Trained to know what it means to weigh a balance between just want and for something better, something lasting than just imaginary leanings. Stories that have no realistic foundations. I think when emotions are trained to be controlled and not take control we have something powerful, something that could prolong some sense of devotion. Something that is strong enough to convey the feeling of value in the heart as well as knowing it in the mind.

An Uninvited Guest; Depression

Yesterday was marked with a cloud of depression. It just came without notice, sometimes like when it’s supposed to be hot and the sun is shining and all of a sudden the rain pours heavily and the feeling of frustration is conjured up because my clothes that I dried in the morning is not soaked.

Why did it not knock? Depression came in like a thief or an intruder. I did not notice and by the time I found out there was depression sitting and watching tv on my imaginary couch in my head. Startled, I was somewhat shocked but upon invitation depression called out for me to enjoy the show with him on the couch eating chips. Maybe it was the chips that gave way but I don’t know, because now depression has befriended me.

And so I was sitting beside depression and he turned off the tv and proposed we have a chat. And so, I thought since he’s already in and sitting on my couch why not? Why not just have a short chat. I mean there might be no harm to that. And so we chatted and he brought up issues of my immediate past. He talked about losers and “what if’s” and the bleak future. He kept going on and I just nodded. I kept agreeing with his assessment. And I wondered how true his words were and I started to feel comfortable hearing my stories from depression’s angle.

But his stories about me seemed to drain me somehow. Though they made me the star and all, it was a show in how to be a professional self-pity expert. A skill I was learning all the time, a skill that i constantly practice rigorously. I might get a PhD for my efforts. I might be a professor to teach other’s in the way of depression. And soon I was lost in the conversation.

But somehow I needed air because I thought that somehow oxygen has been less and I had a hard time breathing. The brain needs air to think also as well. And so I went out and felt the breeze and saw the scenery of green. And saw people flickering by and heard the still small voice speaking and the promise of hope, the promise of presence that has always been told and reassuring me when I was away from the influences of temptation. And so somehow I see how depression has painted an ugly picture of truth with no hope and no life worth living.

And so the voice reassured me not of a path across life without struggles and pain but the promise of being there when I feel the clutches of depression whispering in my ears. And so I went along with the presence that has smoothed my heart to hope even in the midst of the small storm.

And now when I was back, depression has left, leaving a mess in my house. He left without leaving a note or the thought about cleaning the place after his leisured stay. But at least he is gone and now the presence has descended to take the place of my previous intruder. It was upon my invitation and so I was fine with that. And so now I’ll say good night and lay my head to blissful sleep.

I Only Hear Myself

(This post is not meant to be a description of my struggles, just to note. It’s just an imagination on what goes through someone’s mind when depression takes over.)

I am in my woes. Life is not looking up to me and all I see is struggle everywhere. I really pity my state of affairs. Nothing is really looking good for me. All friends have deserted me. ALL.

Though some have sought to help. Their words are like shooting arrows because they do not understand how i feel. They think they know but they dont. Stupid fellas. Your advises are like wax. Like a person without his back bone. I have no patience to listen to your reasoned pleadings. My own struggles are unique. Mine and mine alone.

Yes, i hear you are talking now. But I choose to listen to nothing you say. Now I’m only looking at your mouth moving uttering sounds that I can’t seem to make. Just like clinging cymbals to me. Clang Clang Clang!

Now you’re telling me that to be strong and talking about how God will be my help and my strength. I know all this my so called comforter. I pray to God too you know. I asked God today to zap away what I’m feeling but it’s still there. Apparently now I know I should not be here. God by not giving me peace is telling me other wise then.For I believe that if one prays you get what you pray for. And since I don’t have an answered prayer for my feelings to be stilled it must be something else then that God is telling me.

And like what my friend is telling me, all those stuff about taking captive feelings or simply disciplining the mind to a certain extent seems gibberish. Stupid suggestions. Where is God in that. God is supposed to zap them. Not like that. If he does not then it’s to tell you that God has a different perspective for the person to know.

And so with all this going in my head, I just shut off all receptiveness because my problems are what speaks louder and in that I cannot hear any word you’re telling me. Raw emotions they are. With all this going through my mind the only logic is my own. Let me just stay where I am. Let me just believe that I cannot stand up again. Let me just believe that my problem is unique and it’s the only problem that is bigger that any other that I know of.

I Make Friends with Faces

I don’t have many friends but that does not mean I’m an unfriendly fella. I think I don’t make many friends because I make bad first impressions. By that I mean in conversations with new people I’m always worrying what to say next. Worry about whether or not the other person having conversations with me find the the subject matter we talk about interesting.

I’m amazed at some people. They make friends easily and with not a second thought to it. It’s just like they were born with a gift, a gift to make friends easily. They dont have to try to hard to impress a person with subjects they were discussing. they just talk and people just click with whatever they throw at them.

I’m just not good at this thing called meeting with people. I get sweaty and nervous. I try to act my cool self but I guess it is pretty hard to hide behind the shallow interior that I project.

But the funny thing is, according to my facebook friend list, I am almost at the 700 mark. On this social network I have almost 700 friends. It’s good to get myself logged on from time to time (well I do it religiously everyday, that shows for my addiction). It somehow boosts my self esteem.

It’s not like I know everyone on my friend list I have to confess to that. I accept requests without a seconds thought which helps. I also request friendships from people based on the criteria that I know them and have not seen them in a long time, they are my close friends or some new person that I just met from somewhere or just a pretty face (oh please like you don’t do that). Don’t worry I’m not a stalker. If you feel offended or anything you could just reject my ‘friendship.’

It’s funny how social networking makes for a boost of confidence when you need it. In real life I’m not so much a fun person to be with. In real life it is hard to mask everything from people. But in cyberspace that’s a different story. You could take time composing sentences that could catch attention easily, which does not work in real life. A few seconds of total silence makes for a bad conversation.

Well its something to think about. In real life its hard for me to make new friends but in a make believe world where silence is expected everything changes.