I don’t know what it is with this anxiety of achieving and attaining but it has to be something that is really sucking the energy out of my already weakened body. I sit in class sometimes and listen to lectures and get exited thinking through the stuff being conveyed and a sense of peace evades and make you have this light bulb experience in your head. Everything is cool, when that happens. Just sitting down not having pressure to perform in critical thinking but just absorbing.
I like that setting when there is not pressure. But I get anxious when I think about what will happen next, thinking too much in the future and about stuff like finances and about how will things work out when they are all messed up and menial things like that. Stuff a student struggles with.
I get anxious also because there is a sense in achieving something from my studies, to be somebody respected, and intellectual, able to think critically and finds it a piece of cake reading ancient languages. Is it really something worth to attain and be proud of. Sometimes I want it but all for the wrong reasons I think.
I get anxious when i am not focused on the task at hand like trying to just focus on assignments, doing them one by one and then reading required texts which should be finished and understood. Loads of work and sometimes they feel like a mountain to climb, and the only way is up. I console myself that it’s important to get through them with a composed mind and that all students go through the same anxiety. But there are good moments that I fall in love doing these things, they are not that bad anyway but still anxiety lingers.
I get anxious when i see those younger than me being all successful and they seem like living well and earning a good and steady amount of money and they have happy photos smiling and laughing, over beer and food, catching the waves and sailing, sitting under the shades at the beach or strolling in Europe. Some post pictures of gadgets that I could only dream of owning and I get anxious about matching up to all that.
I get anxious when I hear my friends getting married and meeting the love of their lives and have grand weddings and some have sweet simple ones and they pose for photographs and the camera goes snap snap and they post them on Facebook and people comment there “congratulations!” It’s nice to read all those good wishes and have so many people being happy for their happiness. I wish they had a corned to say congratulations to someone who is single. Well sometimes my mind thinks stupid and so I tag along with it till the anxiety feeling drops off.
I guess I get anxious about thinking too much to be something and someone I am not. I get anxious coveting things I don’t really need and to be in situations that I’m not yet ready for or because of conditions that I am in. I guess it’s better to see life as imaginative as possible living in our present conditions and not always hoping to just reach the skies and we just want to pout and say it’s not fair because others are doing better than you.
And I guess as i think through, anxiety happens when I think more about making my life the pursuit of other people’s aspirations and dreams rather than knowing what we’re really called to do.