a hypocrite’s song

if for then the church’s conviction is humanity’s depravity
why then can i not churn in tune to the voice of a broken reed?
why must i hide if sometimes i don’t feel well?
why must i sing a hypocrite’s song and say “i am strong, i am strong?”
why hide when i am a sinner through and though when i am also too a saint?
why must there be voices that say “there mustn’t be a hint of doubt!” when all in scripture prophets wrestled with God thought to them his voice was sound?
as if it were that one decision would make a magical turn in my selfish behavior,
as if i could not hone ever to make some mindless clutter,
some will then slay me with words that say “Unimaginable!” and underneath a subtext of meanings that says “You must be PERFECT!”
and yet we teach of grace,
of forgiveness,
of love!
i for one know they need unpacking,
but on the surface,
we don’t give much hope for those we see as second time partakes of forgiveness when they have fallen.
if then this is your Christ’s teaching,
is there then any possibility of a thing called hope?
because i have to admit i am tired of singing this hypocrite’s song and say “i am strong, i am strong?”

i am not.

the ‘truth’ about a scar

Genähte Wunde am Rücken, vier Stiche. (sewed w...
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What is hurt? Is it done by physical violence, a hitting or stabbing that causes the body to feel pain? I guess hurt can be that, when the body feels the rushing gush of information that comes from the brain, and tells the nerves to convey that there is something wrong. Hurt can be physical, and that would sometimes imply; what degree of hurt? By that I mean, some heal and do not leave a mark. some, which are far more serious leaves a serious wound, something like a knife cutting deep into the skin. This would definitely leave a scar.

Some hurts are emotional. In metaphorical sense, they work just like the above but the scars are glaring. It’s the memory that conjures the past to reemerge back up. Memories make an old pain new, in a sense that it mutates into a hideous wound again and again. These types of hurt take more time to heal. And on a sad note, they mostly never.

What control do we have on this type of hurt? Some succumb to the nagging memories that keep conjuring up. To somehow mend this wound, the hard thought of forgiveness must be called up. Why is it so hard to forgive? It comes back to memories again, memories that keep playing like that movie you watched and now gets played back in DVD format, because you bought the damn thing. We buy DVDs of movies we want to replay again so that we might remember, so that we don’t forget. Because we love the show or movie or whatever.

But why is it we love memories that conjure past hurt? We constantly play it back and somehow relive the previous events. That almost always relinquish the space for wounds to heal. I guess the tough act to forgive can bring gradual healing. It is applied each time a memory occurs. Memories are hard to erase because it’s somehow stored deep in our brain. We never do forget. I guess for hurts to heal and leave it at the state of just a scar takes daily amounts of forgiveness. Stated and reapplied in rote. I guess it never will stop, forgiveness is sometimes a never ending battle. But eventually enough forgiveness will leave the scar to heal and remain at that and not to become a gapping wound that will not heal.

I wrote this piece dated May 22, 2011. I gave a new title to it because reading through it again ,it does give the impression that the metaphor of the scar has the elements of “hurt, memories, forgiveness and healing” embedded in the original title I gave to the piece. I also did some editing to it as well.

Our Forgiveness is Only Talk Sometimes

While we were listening through our lecture on Hinduism in our World Religion’s class, our speaker told about a story of what a Hindu man told a Christian sharing the gospel and talking about forgiveness

(Reaching out to a magazine to show the Christian guy…)

Hindu Man: See this article.

Christian Man: Yes I see it. What about the article?

Hindu Man: These two Christians have been talking bad about each other constantly. Go talk to them and fix their problem. Then, only then, you come and talk to me about forgiveness.


God’s Impossible: Some Thoughts on Forgiveness

As christians we hear a lot about the love of god and with that it entails that God forgives us of the sin we make that offends God. We give a clap of praise to the one who asks and a clap of praise to God who is willing to grant forgiveness to an infinite man.

Well that’s abstract and on paper as it gets. It is safe to say that we like the idea of forgiving and what implication it downplays to us as human beings. We love the notion that an infinite God would be willing to forgive. But when forgiveness knocks at our door because we have been hurt or offended, we find it hard to comply to what the bible teaches us concerning it.

At the very best our forgiveness is conditional. We forgive when we ‘know’ that the person who asks it will not do what they did to offend you the first time. There is a sense of remorse by that person. Or we forgive when somehow our heart melts at the pleadings of the offender, when the offender relents what he thought was right and now seeing for himself that he had done a grave wrongdoing. Or we forgive if the one who offends us acknowledges our greatness and their utter unworthiness. At best, our forgiveness is conditional.

But with it also comes the point where we make our choices. We choose what form of forgiveness we give. Limited or full. We might say we forgive but we just play lip service. All we want is to exert power over the one who offended us. At that point we conjure up, “there’s the fool who I “forgave,” such a pathetic fool, now he knows who’s boss.” Sound like a good worth of unforgiveness there. But again we choose the form of forgiveness.

But what about the thing that God tells us to forgive those who trespass us? The people who ridicule or accuse us of wrongdoing when it was good that we have done? Our excuse would be that, of course God can forgive, because he is perfect. But this statement is somewhat problematic. We assume that because God is all there is, the perfect one, being forgiving and administering forgiveness is easy. But how is it easy that god is able to forgive when he is perfect as well. The more that God is pure and perfect and holy, the more absurd it is that he will be able to forgive. How tainted is an offence to one who is already pure? In logical terms, forgiveness for a perfect God is contrary to what he is in being.

But this fact, speaks volumes to us. If a God who is perfect is able to forgive (thought in a logical way forgiveness is somewhat contrary) then human beings who are imperfect can also do the same (forgiveness is possible for us because we are tainted, but we don’t want to play the forgiveness game).

What is impossible for God becomes something possible. What is possible for humans becomes something that is not possible.

Deconstructing A Faulty Perception of Forgiveness

Have you ever heard yourself say “This person is really getting on my nerves. I really hate the things the person is saying about me. But as a Christian I will forgive the person. I let him/ her go away with it”. Or there are other times we just let people tread on us in the spirit of keeping the peace, ruthlessly denying how you feel.

It is something like denying the pain/sin/evil people cause you and just try as hard to sweep it under the rug of our hearts and hope that as times go by we will eventually forget the hurt we have inside.

Continue reading “Deconstructing A Faulty Perception of Forgiveness”

How to Make Money? and Loose weight?

Today I will be your wisdom teacher… How to make Money? Actually I don’t have the answer to this question. But i do have some suggestions to keep your money! Here goes… 1. Don’t spend more than what you earn! 2. Try to spend somewhere around the middle of the month (That is if you receive salary). I do this as often as I can. The reason; sometimes in the beginning of the month and we see something we are really crazy about, to discipline your will sometimes we have to take drastic measures. This is mine. It make me think through (maybe do some research whether I really need the thing. Sure enough when I do this I will (80%) not turn back and buy the stuff. 3. Don’t gamble. 4. Be ruthless in how you do it. Hahahahaha How to loose weight? 1. Loose rice. I mean eat as little portion as possible. 2. Lessen your eating habits. This is lessen the in between ‘eatings‘. 3. Eat at home. 4. Exercise. 5. To tell you the truth I am still learning all these things! So anyway, this post is less on the sensitive issues that i usually post. So I will keep things balanced. For now. Well the next post will be on Forgiveness. I have been thinking through this issue for a while now. I guess i will post this tommorow.