Not even trying

you made me feel like blood and rain
the taste of bittersweet remains
empty hollow lonesome sorrow.

I drove like a mindless driver
When I found out what I already knew
The significance of an open secret
Plain confusion meshed in simple explanation.

When a blind man was brought his sight
And the next day lose it
That should spell the obvious
Like rockets exploding before flying.

And sometimes I’d laugh at my behavior
I need no sitcoms to bathe in for sheer amusement
I am my own jester
I am my own beautiful crazy magician master.

I boder the line of insanity taps
when I manage to walk
But I’m at my sober self when I’m faced
with only myself to talk.

If need be to disappear
It is not the act of killing myself
Cause even in the existance of being fully alive
Sometimes feel like the very act of dying
And that my friend is doing it without even trying.

scarlet red

it was
the leaving of
the scarlet red
that marked
the end
for blossoming flowers
which congested
what morning dews
produce
that introduced
a journey
to the crossroad
but before it begun
i had to bury
foreverafter
but i think
i didn’t really dig
deep enough
for the coffins
to sink
and sometimes
the ghost of the past
comes out
to haunt
but i’ve somehow
learned to move on
even at the pace
where even snails
outran me
but at least
i can still kiss
the ripping out of the heart
spells bliss
for the moment
when they birth in me
worlds that i never thought existed
or stuff i never thought mattered
but who knew
not me
that life could begin again
even after
everything i gave for
broken and shattered

and to the wind
i give a toast
to kiss the dark brewing
of a ghost
i place my trust
in the divine
in whom i’ve learned
to invite and dine
and to the leaving
of the sweet scarlet red
which i held
and i bled
sometimes to live again
life needs to embrace death.

 

When Forever became Never

There once was a thing called forever,
Something I called none but my own,
I tended it with care and made it a home,
Close to my heart for my hands to hold.
I sang to keep ‘forever’ listening,
Gave it my heart, my love, my everything,
But one day ‘forever’ felt it was time to stop believing,
To stop believing in anything called forever.
I pleaded for it to stay,
I went on my knees and even begged,
But there was never a sign that ‘forever’ would turn back,
To be home in need for my embrace,
And just like that,
‘Forever’ became a reality,
I now hold as ‘never’.

sunset every single day

stuck in between
like when it’s just sunset every single day

neither morning
nor is it ever night
stuck in between
like when it’s just sunset every single day

the breeze touches my face
moving on but im still holding on to past embrace
stuck in between
like when it’s just sunset every single day

we are forever
only in the truth of a dream
stuck in between
like when it’s just sunset every single day

the ocean a vast majestic mystery
like how i question my misery
stuck in between
like it’s just sunset every single day

Note: I wrote this while listening to this song by A Fine Frenzy called “Almost Lovers.”

Losing the Ability to Desire

The most precious thing in the universe, is the desire of the people you desire. That’s why when you lose your beloved, a relationship breaks up, you don’t just lose one thing that you desire, one person that you desire…you lose the very ability to desire. The whole world becomes drained of purpose. You no longer desire your job. You no longer like the programs you used to like. Everything is drained of meaning. Because we get our purpose and significance through the gaze of another.

This quote by Peter Rollins. He’s a philosopher. I’m not sure if you can call him Christian but some would call his view heretical. Ah well, sometimes theology somehow divides and defines what we believe in. I guess you could place him on the progressive stream of Christianity.

The quote above resonates with me, so that’s why it’s posted. Losses are experiences that speaks to us in different ways. Sometimes they become projections where we are at our most creative. But sometimes I think pressing on without reflection simply masks our very need. We might try to curb the feeling with keeping our minds busy, to heap up work and activities, to somehow muffle emotional bruises. But alas we fall back to the same state of knowing our empty void. Sometimes I wonder, in the state of the present, will the ability to desire ever return to normal?