a hypocrite’s song

if for then the church’s conviction is humanity’s depravity
why then can i not churn in tune to the voice of a broken reed?
why must i hide if sometimes i don’t feel well?
why must i sing a hypocrite’s song and say “i am strong, i am strong?”
why hide when i am a sinner through and though when i am also too a saint?
why must there be voices that say “there mustn’t be a hint of doubt!” when all in scripture prophets wrestled with God thought to them his voice was sound?
as if it were that one decision would make a magical turn in my selfish behavior,
as if i could not hone ever to make some mindless clutter,
some will then slay me with words that say “Unimaginable!” and underneath a subtext of meanings that says “You must be PERFECT!”
and yet we teach of grace,
of forgiveness,
of love!
i for one know they need unpacking,
but on the surface,
we don’t give much hope for those we see as second time partakes of forgiveness when they have fallen.
if then this is your Christ’s teaching,
is there then any possibility of a thing called hope?
because i have to admit i am tired of singing this hypocrite’s song and say “i am strong, i am strong?”

i am not.

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